Anger management

My awesome friend, Lisa (owner of Fayetteville Pilates and Barre), asked me the other day why I bake and cook so much. Besides the obvious - in a British accent - "Oh, darling, don't you know I am a single, 20-something girl who lives by herself? It makes sense!" I responded that I just have a lot of time. Which- don't get me wrong. I am taking like a ridiculously light load of classes for my last semester. 

I don't know my exact reasoning for how much baking/cooking I have done in the last months.  But, I have a pretty good guess.  I think it is how I have been able to handle the changes in my life. I think it is what I do when I get upset about Sammy. (wow....I haven't said that in a while) 

Being in the kitchen...it distracts me. It leads me to prayer. A lot. I find myself browning some meat, or dicing and onion and breaking into song and prayer. Some of that may just be that I do, once again, live alone and can sing and run around naked if I want.  Baking makes me feel like I can be domestic. Which-if you know me- isn't something I necessarily dreamed about as a child. Being in my 5x7 kitchen (okay, I'm really bad with measurements but I do know that is a picture frame size. Which, yes, is how small my kitchen is) is an outlet. Being in my kitchen is an outlet for my anger. Well...that only took me half a page to get out the truth. I've been to confession a lot lately, #catholicgirlproblems, because I am just plain ol' mad sometimes. Have you seen "Diary of a Mad Black Woman?" The main character says my feelings perfectly.  "I'm not bitter. I'm mad as hell."  Wait, rephrase.  I was bitter. Then I was mad. Now, I just am disappointed.  And hurt. (I get nauseated- literally today I had to sit down- when I see a picture on facebook of my ex and his girlfriend.) Oh, hell. I'm still mad. But, I think I take that anger out on my cutting board. On my cast iron skillet. I brown those onions to the best of my ability. I make sure the noodles are cooked "al dente." I have made more peanut butter oatmeal chocolate chip cookies in the last month than you would think possible. 

After my parents got divorced, I went to counseling. Duh, everyone and their mom goes to counseling- I highly recommend it (as in I know what marriage counselor I will use one day. NO, not you, Dr. Phil.) But, apparently at the young age of 5, I had a lot of anger. At this point, if you are still reading, you're thinking "I didn't need to know all of this about you, homegirl.  Like, I would scratch walls and yell kind of anger problems.  I wasn't necessarily violent. So, I colored pictures of how I felt. And now my sweet, sweet mother has these chicken scratch drawings framed. So, yes. Having an outlet for my emotions is a good thing. 

Let's get some things clear: I do not have anger management problems. Instead, I cook. I didn't say I eat a hell of a lot of the food I make, but I try to not let it go to waste.  I bake. I make bran muffins. Whatever I can find....so that is all for now.  

Thanks for coming 'round, 2012!

According to the Mayan calendar, we're not supposed to be here. But I've definitely still got bills to pay, a floor to clean and cookies in the oven. 2011 was good. I can't complain. A big heartbreak but a lot of love from my God, family and friends. A summer in D.C., a marriage, a big step of independence in living in Fayetteville, and a big boost in my relationship with Christ. Hope your Christmas was as relaxing as mine turned out to be. I am so truly thankful for the holiday break. Not for the time off of school, but for the time with family.  Mom and I had a few days together.  I loved it.  It might have been scary for the city of Tulsa, at times, though.  We laughed. We laughed.  We laughed so very hard.  Mom now has this laugh when she can't catch her breath that sounds like a dog panting. Mom, if you're reading this, that wasn't an insult.  Christmas was truly about CHRIST this time around. It was so nice to focus on the meaning and not the gifts or anything. Mom and I went to the children's mass on Christmas eve night. We got there a little early- which is a good thing. But we got there about an hour early.  Someone (cough cough) thought mass started at 5:30....yaaa but we saw all the kids and their nativity scene which was great. 


 Onto Christmas morning....Madalyn took over Mom's tradition of Christmas morning brunch.  Ya, you can say it, she's definitely a married woman.  She's hosting family brunches now.  

Zeussss got a new toy! Dinosaur!! 

 Next year there will be a baby on that table...
It's a Barker tradition that the youngest grandkid gets to open presents on the pool table. 

They are starting to look just like Papa Joe...

Probably my favorite gift from Christmas.
It's a Tulsa tea towel- all the top places in Tulsa! Thanks Uncle Mark! You da, you da best! 

Cuties... 

62 years strong...and they still got it! 

Olzawski. Glad I didn't have to spell that growing up.  

Brag moment: Something I love about my family...both the Barker and Olzawski side hang out together during the holidays.  That doesn't happen when all families split. Ya...I'm blessed.

Mom got both Maddie and I got vintage pearl necklaces...mine has two verses.
 Jeremiah 29, Psalm 139, and a birds nest for Matthew 6.

Maddie got one with her and Clem's birthstones! 

My Aunt Terri. We used to have "Aunt Terri days" when we were younger.
 They were the best days of my life. 

The best dog....Barley!! With Aunt Sue. 

Where did time go?

I haven't had the chance to talk about the wonderful time I had when my mom, Merydith and Max came to visit! I'll let the pictures do the talking..











Ford's theater where Lincoln was assassinated.




4th of July parade on Constitution Avenue. Pretty patriotic!




Fireworks at Washington Harbor.



D.C. will eventually be my home- one day. Love this town. Also- here are some pictures of the Washington Cathedral.











Oh, yeah...did I mention I met Newt?