caution: super personal post. no, seriously, don't read if you're not ready for a "pour your heart out" read.

If you didn't get the memo from the title, this is a personal, uber personal, post.


Don't read if you
A.) don't know me very well
B.) Don't want to get to know me very well
C.) Are a single male because this will scare you right off.
---------------------------- okay, now you can go.








but seriously....................
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welp, now you're in the deep.
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If you know me, you know that I am in a completely different situation than I was last year in regards to my love life. This time last year, I was head over heels, ready to get hitched and never look back, over the moon, catching stars, spending Christmas together, I'll have your babies kind of in love. But after Valentines Day, things changed and we went our separate ways. But not really. Because we both went to D.C., we talked constantly, we saw each other frequently, and the worst part: we still loved each other. By the worst part, I mean that it was the hardest thing to not be with someone and watch them have a life without you. Neither one of us was at fault for our relationship ending. I've said this all along. Neither one cheated or felt like we were "falling out of love," or just were sick of the other person. I feel like I need to say that because most people assume that must have been what happened to us because we were the next couple to walk down the aisle.


*sidenote: that scared (presently, scares) the heck out of me. I'm 22, can barely do my own laundry and keep my tiny apartment clean for an entire week. How was I supposed to bring someone else into this?*


But no, it was over a compromise. A religious difference. Now, I've heard a lot of responses, because I'm a people pleaser and need everyone else's opinion on my own personal life to make it seem okay. I've heard it all. "Just go to non-denominational" "Just let your kids decide" "Don't worry about it, it's just religion, you're still Christian." (Which, btw, many a people think Catholics aren't Christian so thus think if I give up my faith I will be the one not sacrificing...?) "Just go to different churches then decide what you like" "Have you read the book about Cokie Roberts and her husband? He is Jewish and she is Catholic." "Just compromise, that is what marriage is all about. Just give in." <----they must not know me very well.


But, I'm not writing to ask your opinion. Just to vent and hope that I will stop worrying for a second and let God do his thing. I am slowly (slowwwlllyyy) letting go of the idea of my fairytale relationship. It's becoming more than religion. It's that I need to go live my life and I can't do that being trapped. I am willing to compromise on a number of things, but religion is not one. Divorce is my absolute biggest fear. Absolutely BIGGEST. I saw what a difference in religion (and a lot of other things) did to my parents marriage, and I am trying to learn from it. People will say I am overt-thinking. I am stubborn. I need to not be so firm in my belief. I should compromise (damn damn damn that word has become so easy for others to say who are not in my situation). But, I guess if I am going to be called anything, those aren't so bad.


I am frustrated. annoyed. angry. resentful (wait, no. not anymore.) bewildered. shocked.
but at the same time.
soooo thankful. grateful. happy. overjoyed. laughing. enjoying life. smiling. learning. LIVING. God is laughing right now - can't you hear Him and his big, big hefty laugh? "All the days planned for me were written in your book before I was one day old." Psalm 139:16
He knows my tomorrows. My tomorrows after tomorrow and the rest of my tomorrows.


Like Zooey Deschannel says in "New Girl," 'Ain't no thing. Ain't no thing.'